So I want to start introducing the songs on the album ‘Voice of Truth’, every song I write has a story behind it and I want to share these with you. Today I am focusing on one song called ‘In Your Arms‘.
I have been trying to work up the courage to write this blog for a while, as this song is incredibly personal. So please do bear with me as this is a longer one.
In 2012, after about five years of having lived with M.E., my husband and I decided we wanted to try for a baby. We had been praying that God would heal me but we were longing to start a family. We were delighted and excited to find out after a little while that I was pregnant. Although I struggled with bad morning sickness and tiredness, we were looking forward to the future and thanked God for this life I was carrying. At around eleven weeks into the pregnancy things started going wrong. I started having some symptoms that suggested that something wasn’t right. We went to the hospital to have an emergency scan and the sonographer took her time without saying much, and then left the room to get the consultant, who then did another scan.
My heart was in my mouth by this point and I was physically shaking, desperate for them to say everything was okay, that the baby was healthy and it was nothing to worry about. And then the consultant spoke the words that confirmed our worst fears. There was no longer a heartbeat, and tour baby had died. With every fibre of my being I wished I had heard wrong. That this was some horrific dream, but no this was real and we felt like the ground had fallen away beneath us. That same day we were due to be going away with the extended family (over 30 of us). Although we did not feel up to family festivities, we knew that at this time we needed to be embraced and loved by our family. We’re so grateful for all the love, support and tears that we shed together. They allowed us to just grieve and helped us in any way they could – this was a real Godsend.
I remember the next few days I was on my knees, heartbroken, sobbing, crying out to God, “Why us?”. Why had this happened? I was crying in desperation, being honest with God. I felt like a failure, that there must be something wrong with me because I hadn’t been able to carry our baby to full term. But even in this dark hour, in my brokenness and agony I still knew that God was there, that he loved me, and that he would bring hope. I remember clinging to that with my fingertips, and trusting that He was still good – that’s all I had strength for right then. I prayed that he would somehow bring us through this time. Over the next few days the pains got worse and worse until I was admitted into the hospital overnight to have a procedure the next day. Ali was encouraged to go home to get some rest. I remember lying in the hospital bed unable to sleep, paralysed with a numbness of emotion and struggling to understand it all.
One amazing thing through this horrific time was that God completely healed me of ME (Chronic Fatigue) and a wheat/gluten intolerance. This meant that I was well enough to start working, so I started supply teaching. But I was really struggling how to go forward, and was finding it really lonely and tough going to new schools. My sister gave us some great advice, which was to have something to positive for us to look forward to, something that would be harder to do when we had a family. We had been looking forward to and praying for all the things we could do with our baby and this had been ripped away, leaving emptiness and a raw pain. So we decided to plan a big holiday to the States, as I had always wanted to go.
Each day when I was struggling to go into school and struggling not to sink into a depression it really helped knowing that that day I was earning money for a helicopter ride over the Grand canyon, or a visit to Disneyland. As we went away I felt God slowly starting to restore my brokenness, and I remember walking part way down into the Grand Canyon, being surrounded by God’s beauty and felt God had brought me into a better place, a place of healing, and that I was ready to think about trying again.
Today we rejoice that we have our happy and healthy almost three year old son. I can honestly say that I am so grateful, for even though we walked such a dark and painful time we truly knew God was with us. We have been told we will have troubles in this life, but in Jesus we have a hope and a salvation, and that definitely helped us through. God has helped us move forward, but it doesn’t mean we forget. We know one day that we will meet our baby in Heaven.
I believe we have to be honest and open with God, to share when our hearts are broken. This song I wrote after several years of flashbacks and nightmares to the time when I was lying in hospital waiting. Writing this song gave voice to my brokenness, it spoke what I would have said had I found the words that night. I simply asked that God would hold me in his arms, take the fear away and help me through. I encourage you no matter what you go through to be honest and open with God, to know that he will be with you through every high and low. Just look at the Psalms in the Bible.
Today marks four years to the day that we found out our precious baby had died. This has been an incredibly hard date for us, especially as that date already held a sadness and previous loss in our family. A wise friend suggested that I did something positive on this date, so that it didn’t hold a fear over me. So today I’m sharing a track ‘In your arms’ from my forthcoming album ‘Voice of truth’.
And I pray that it would encourage you.